You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby

(The Smiths are good for moping.)
Shifu did not call my name yesterday during the certificate ceremony, and I cried like a fuckin' baby afterwards. And then I got upset at myself for getting upset because I equated tears with showing weakness, but realized that isn't necessarily true.

I am disappointed and sad, and I'm allowed to be, dammit, but can I be really be so upset with the whole situation? (Cue in music by The Smiths.)

This testing thing, this not passing thing...it only takes on the meaning that I choose to assign it. If I let it be all-encompassing, then that's the end of this post, isn't it?

I could say to myself, Shifu thinks I suck. I think I suck. I should just give up and not go on.

Or, I could say, Jeez Louise, 'playa, you've come way too far to give up now. It's nothing but a hiccup. A sign from Shifu that you're not quite there yet. You just haven't earned it yet, baby. But you will!

And it's true...looking honestly at myself, have I completely exhausted perfecting what I know? Not at all! In fact, just the other night, Shifu sent me to kung fu kindergarden. Although I am proud of the progress I've made since injuring myself almost 7 months ago, and hell, the progress I've made since Day 1, there is still so much work. I know I can work on endurance. I know I can strengthen my legs for jumping. And stop that damn skipping. And perhaps some day I'll work up the courage to do ceshoufan on the other side.

And I can continue to train my mind....

Rather than spend time wondering what Shifu is/was thinking for me, and whether this is all part of his crazy plan for me, I choose to focus on what I am thinking for myself. What is my plan? And my plan is to TRAIN HARDER.

The point is, I don't necessarily see this as a failure from which I need to rise. It is merely an evaluation of where I am as of now, which is helpful as a reference point to see where I'll be in the future. Heng Yu reminded me of that feeling that I'm sure a lot of us had when we started at Temple -- that great sense of awe and slight intimidation, and wondering if I'd ever be as good as those guys wearing those orange uniforms, and here I am, on the cusp of being there. I might be limping a little, but I am just a wee bit behind. And I will be there soon, maybe not right now, but soon in the long future...

And once I've earned it, once I do get to Level 2, it will feel so good...

In the meanwhile, I know some things for sure -- that because of training at Temple I've met some really awesome folks. My friends who've supported me throughout this entire crazy endeavor, I know I will be able to always count on you for support regardless of whether I pass or not. And that goes the same for those non-shaolin folks, too. After leaving post-ceremony dim sum and the dorks, I went to a seder for Passover at Bestest Boy's mom's house, and had a fine meal and a fun time, and these people had no idea that I didn't pass earlier that day. They don't define me as a non-Level 2-er, and neither should I. They see me as Qbertplaya, and nothing more nor less. And so in the end, that is perhaps a most important part of my training as well -- learning to open my heart and mind in a way so I get to know and love some very fine people...including myself.