Pain in the Back

I’m the first to admit, I’m of a melodramatic nature. The refrain of my childhood was my mother saying, “Stop being so dramatic.” So when I reach some physical or mental barrier in kung fu I really do try to reign in the grimaces and groans and involuntary gesticulations of frustration, pain and exhaustion. Everyone is tired. Everyone has pain. Everyone makes mistakes.

This is what my intellect is telling me. But my emotional reactions are, as I said, involuntary, and so controlling them can be difficult. Half of the time I don’t even realize that I am doing X melodramatic thing. Still, I don’t want to look like I am trying to prove something or enlist sympathy through my expostulating, so I am trying to learn to identify and control it. I don’t want to be making excuses even if they are subconscious scowls of pain.

That being said, where’s the line from mind over matter, and when is it ok to say, “I’m hurt.”? Saturday and then last night, Xu and the Sifu both asked me if I was all right. Going to show that however much I might try, my lower back pain has reached the un-hide-able point. I don’t want to be macho and deny that I am in pain. But I don’t want to be a pansy about making excuses. My penchant for melodrama can easily lead into whining and self-indulgence. My back hurts. But it isn’t so severe I shouldn’t be able to train. And if I make the choice to train then I should train. I shouldn’t be half-assing it.

There’s always going to be something bothering me; that’s part of the cycle of building muscles and flexibility. If I’m soreness and pain free I probably haven’t been training very hard. If I am unable to push through my aches without drawing attention to myself, then I need to acknowledge the weakness in my mind or body.

Sometimes I expect too much of myself. But I can’t stand knowing that I could have trained harder but I was being lazy or scared or weak-willed. Or melodramatic. Last night, the pain was not hindering me so much as a mental incapability of pushing through. I got really frustrated and trained worse than my two week back saga warranted. And that got me more frustrated and I was really struggling just to focus on the task at hand. And when a clock is mental and not physical, that makes me feel even more frustrated because the only thing tripping me up is me. Notice the recurrence of “frustration.” It took all my energy to control the melodramatic outburst that was violently bubbling under the surface. I don’t WANT to be irrational. And I recognize when I’m doing it and still can’t seem to flatten my heart.

Tonight I am skipping training to go get acupuncture which I am hoping will benefit both my physical pain and my mental build up. Because more than pain, I am tired of psychoanalyzing myself; I just want to train.

Everybody Sign In?

We have all been through those days when somebody forgot to sign in. Shifu would ask who didn't sign in. And I would have all these thoughts going through my head:

1. I signed in. No problem. It's not me.


2. Did I really sign in? Did I forget today?


3. So I walked in. Said Amituofo. And then did I sign before changing or did I change before signing?


4. Oh phew.... Somebody else. Not me. Yay!

Have you ever wondered why Shifu is so militant about signing in? My theory is that this is just one of the rules that he likes to enforce (other than no shoes in the temple, no talking during class, etc.).

Livia offered an interesting theory today. She said the sign in sheets are on the stool facing the main altar. Whenever we sign in, we bow to the altar unknowingly paying respect to the place. That's why when we forget, Shifu makes us do it.

I guess this is one of the things at the temple that you can make it into what you want. I see it as just one of the rules. Livia sees it a little deeper.

And here are words from Livia:

Bowing

Today after class Sucheela, Cheng, Natalie, and I were talking about Bowing to Sifu. As a matter of fact today was the first time I did the whole bowing thing. I just felt it was right. Also I'm planning in becoming a disciple if Sifu accepts me. We were talking about how if you want to bow you do but if you don't you don't have to. But then I mentioned something that I noticed a long time ago which is that Sifu makes sure that you sign every class and when you sign you Bow. The way the sign in sheet is facing the altar and you have to bend to sign in therefore you bow. And I think is cool even if you don't know you are bowing because regardless you are.

Amituofo.

A note on Sleep

I find when I don’t train I sometimes get insomnia. Not surprising; my body’s got too much pent-up energy; my brain is still going a-mile-a-minute. But oddly, I find that when I do train a lot, while I sleep like a log, I sleep fewer hours and wake up much less exhausted. The last few nights after training I’ve been going home and watching the Olympics until about 1 am. Then, angry at myself, I set my alarm for 8:30 (the absolute latest I can wake up and still get to work) expecting to hit snooze three times. Yet, strangely, I end up waking up at 7:15, all in one piece, and ready for the day.

Maybe it’s just a sign that the rest of my life is no longer stressing me out and making me, contradictorily, perpetually exhausted and insomniac. But I theorize that, once I hit a reasonable training routine, I don’t simply acclimatize, but my body is getting stronger and my mind is clearer, so both need less rest. In either case it’s like getting three extra productive hours a day. And with those, who knows what I could do? Train more? :D

The Savage Lotus

It's been awhile since my last blog post. I've been really busy with film making this summer. Writing, directing, and shooting. One of the reasons I joined the Shaolin Temple 15 months ago was that I would get some martial arts experience under my belt for acting. Little did I know, I would also love being behind the camera directing and choreographing my fellow kung fu actors as well. Here's the 72 hour project I've told so many of you about. You basically write, direct, and put together a 5 minute short in the span of 3 days. You don't sleep the whole time and you get a film out of it. I still haven't recovered from it. And that was in June!

Our film was disqualified from the competition because a random person not on our team looked towards the camera at the end of the film. It was a huge blow to the whole team's psyche at first, but after realizing how much fun we had while shooting, we realized this is only the beginning. I will make plenty more. And I can't wait!

So without further ado, here it is! Please enjoy! Oh and our very own Heng Ying (Hwalan) plays a character in it. :D

Times are Changin'

Training on Sunday was weird and wild. We started class 10 minutes late. (I can't remember the last time we started class that late) There were only 14 of us and I was the most senior person on the roster. In fact, I was the only person that was there from Level 2. I remember starting my training at the temple not so long ago and looking up to the Level 2's for technique and chi. And one of the newer people (I'm so embarrassed. I don't even know his name) pointed out to me that I am that person now. Not only was class small, there were also a group of Chinese people observing class. I don't know about you, but for me, any chance to perform in front of a group pumps up my chi. :P

I have to say, I was flying down the line. The newer level ones were definitely not used to being so near the front of the line. They weren't even quite sure what move was next. Should I have slowed down more and given them more of a chance to catch up? I am not sure. The person leading needs to set the pace and tone. It's also up to them to set the chi. Every time I went down the line, I could hear the Chinese group point and whisper, "Oh, that is this move, and this is that move."

Maybe Shifu heard it too because he was really paying very close attention to everyone's form and technique. Most people didn't make it out of the first half of the class before being sent to KFK (Kung Fu Kindergarten). Shifu had us do the first form at least 10 times. That's including all the times he told us to start over from the beginning. By the end of the first half, only me, Livia, and Julian were left.

Second half of class? Well, let's just say we got our own little piece of carpet and stayed on it for the rest of the class. It was really fun to push myself. But, in my unsettled heart, I wanted to start teaching. I wanted Shifu to call me over and say, "Leo, teach them Caijiao!" Now, I know Shifu picks people to teach for a reason and he hasn't picked me yet. It's probably because he feels I need to work on my forms and technique much more before I'm ready. Every time I'm in Level 2, I feel like my technique is one of the worst. I would say to myself, "How is it possible that I can't do this one kick that I've been doing for over a year?! What's wrong with me? Am I just not cut out for Shaolin material?" Then I realize that as with everything, caijiao is a kick we could work on forever because we could keep on polishing ourselves forever. It never ends. We could always use more pop and extension in our lives. I know Shifu wants to teach me this. And I feel that I still haven't learned it yet...but times are definitely changin'...

Weekender

Saturday was my first weekend class in what felt like a million years. The last day class I did was on a Monday and that was three weeks ago. I forgot how it feels to have training be the first thing you do after getting up, and not being preoccupied with what you have to do afterward.

It was a small class, 15 of us, and I remembered the first time I ever led line: it was also a weekend class, a class of 12, and I thought my head would explode.

This time I was leading line as well, but I felt much more prepared to do so. Leo was on the other line and for the first few rounds of caijiao we were kicking in perfect synchronization. It was lots of fun, and in spite of the small class I felt we would be able to keep the chi going. I thought so anyways. But all that chi meant we were pushing ourselves really fast, and by ceshoufan I was, irritatingly, barely holding myself up. And when we finished the first half of class it was only 11:25!!

The second half of class it started getting darker and darker, and finally, a thunderstorm broke. I felt rejuvenated. Maybe because it broke the heat and humidity, or it eased up the air pressure, but it really lifted my flagging chi, and made the intimidating 1hr and 20 minute second half of class much more attack-able. And when class was over, it felt wonderful to not have to go home and get ready for work the next day or actually run off TO work itself. I think Saturday might be my favorite day to train. I mean, every day, is my favorite day to train... But Saturday is my most favorite.

Senioritis?

On Tuesday night a Chinese TV station came to film class. Not the first time I’ve been in a class with cameras, but the first time Sifu asked me to let them interview me. I’m not super comfortable being on camera, and especially not 30 minutes into a very sweaty class, but it turned out ok. The interviewer asked me how long I had been training, and when I told her she said, “Two years? That’s a long time!” And I had to wonder, is it?

I don’t feel like I am a senior student, and I’m definitely not when you look at those folks who’ve been around 5, 10 and more years. At the same time, though, on Tuesday, Jing was the only one in that bracket. After him, Sucheela and I were the most “advanced” on the folks training, and consequently I ended up running KFK while Sifu talked to the TV people. While I felt totally un-qualified to do so, someone needed to go keep things running in the back (I just didn’t want the the back line to be abandoned on TV), and so in effect, I was qualified, if only by default. Thankfully Jing came and helped, and it went smoothly; and I think Sifu was glad we stepped up. Still, I still felt slightly hubristic taking that initiative, do I subconsciously have a case of Senioritis? Not in the sense of being lazy, but of thinking too much of myself?

Anyone worried that I was acting on ego can rest assured that I wasn't, and if I had, my ego was suitably demolished in L2 last night where my xuanzi seems to be getting worse again. Yet, I was still somehow leading the line. I think it all stems from the fact that I want to step forward before Sifu has to tell me to do so.

In L1 Tuesday Sucheela took the initiative to start us all on waibaitui; I went to help out KFK; some people always jump to the front of the line as soon as Sifu says “line up”. It all comes, not from a ego-driven desire to lead, but a desire to anticipate a need for action. Because that’s what we’re learning in kung fu: to train our bodies and minds to react faster and faster. To not stand around waiting until Sifu yells “GO” at you three times, but going straight into your movement or form. To do everything with chi and enthusiasm. So I guess I do have Senioritis in the sense that, the longer I train, the more I learn this lesson.

Not just hot, hot-ER!

The last week or so has been a welcome break from the heat plaguing me at home and abroad. Unfortunately, in spite of lower temperatures outside, temple had still been stifling hot and the sweat was flying off my soaked robes. Last night, however, the cooler air finally made itself felt in the Temple, and it made a wonderful difference in class.

It’s amazing how much the heat and humidity can really sap your energy, even if you are well hydrated and rested and the rest of it. Being in that oppressive haze of heat makes your breath shallow and your body unresponsive no matter how psychologically you feel the chi. A sudden break of a mere 5 or ten degrees makes you feel like a new person. You can jump higher, kick more times, and explode more in forms.

Watching the weather report this morning, they’re forecasting another heat wave beginning this weekend. I can’t help feeling that the USA Shaolin Temple L.A., or some such place where it’s always 72 degrees, would be a really good idea.

Deep Clean

Last night was another chi-filled, sweat-filled, Level 1 class. Miraculously, I wasn’t too sore from Monday; and while my legs were a little tired, and the mugginess made it hard to catch one’s breath, overall I felt strong. After class, we did an intense cleaning of the turtle tank, which we’ve been putting off for way too long.

While cleaning out the hidden grossness that settles in the rocks at the bottom, I thought it was an apt allegory for this past week and a half. We change the water often enough, but there’s still lots of filth hiding in the bottom and the filter becomes clogged and the water becomes murky all too quickly; I realized the same sort of think with my training and my life in general. Breaks here and there are important for refreshing your body and mind, but if you don’t do a major overhaul every now and again, you miss stirring up and cleaning out the mess that settles and hides further down. You tidy your room, but you still need an intense spring cleaning. You take days off from training, but you need to also give yourself long breaks. So I guess I am extolling the importance of routine maintenance plus the 10,000 mile check up. You can’t only do one and not the other. And if you do neither, as sometimes happens to me… well... you’re gonna pay for it eventually.

Once we finished the tank, and it was shiny clean, the turtles were swimming around gleefully and there was a relief on all sides that there wasn't hidden dirt left hanging over us. So maybe that's why I've had trouble getting back into my groove. And also why I didn’t feel sore on the second day back (as one usually does after a week off). I was actually getting some necessary deep-healing done both in body and in mind. I thought I had it together but there was some unseen dirt clogging up the works. Now that it's cleaned up I can train harder!

Absence Makes the Chi Grow Stronger

I always start a post that follows a long blogging drought with, "I haven't been blogging but that doesn't mean I haven't been training..." But this time that's not the case. Today was my first class in *gasp* a week. Six days with no training may not seem like a lot to a regular, un-crazy person, but for me it's an eternity. Even in the past mad weeks of being all over the planet I was training at least three times a week. (And still feeling slacker-y.) I had really planned to take advantage of my newfound free schedule and get back in gear. But for better or worse I had a lot to do last week, a rough workweek, and I just felt... well... burnt out. And lazy. As soon as you have a few evenings off you start to think.. oh.. so this is what a normal life is like. Sure is nice. Doesn't hurt my butt sword...

But I knew that today I had to get back. Not training really wacked-out my body and my brain. Thing was, I had made plans tonight that I didn't want to break. So I got on the gun at work then slipped out for day class. It was quite a welcome back. I barely had a moment to warm up before I was speeding away at the front of the line with Randy. It was HOT. And definitely strenuous, but all the "resting" paid off because I had so much chi it was incredible. I know the first day back after a short break is the easy day, but I felt a mental and physical rejuvenation that were not what I was expecting. It's nice to take time off, but it's better to come back. Freak. Addict. Dork. Call me what you will. To quote my favorite bad western movie, "There is no normal life; there's just life." And my life involves multiple weeknights sweating caijiao - aaaaand a few week-long breaks every once in awhile.