Tonight I went to class in a pretty good mood. I decided I didn't want to work too much on anything where I could potentially injure myself right before testing, so I opted to do some mental training instead.As we know by now, I have serious fears about landing on my head and going upside down. Well, to prepare for liyu dating we occasionally, (more often of late) do a handstand and then go into a somersault from there. I use "we" loosely. Everyone else does a handstand somersault, I just do the hand stand then lock up and either come back down to my feet or fall sideways and land like a sack of bricks. Fear. I got it. Can't seem to lose it.
So today I spent a half hour before class using a mat and trying to overcome this obstacle. It's since I know I'm lacking the upper body strength to go down slowly; I'm just waiting for a CRACK and impending quadriplegia. And as much as my brain says "DO IT!" my body simply will not respond in kind. I got a little closer as I went on, working in baby steps, but after the 73rd try or so I started to feel queasy and decided to stretch the rest of the time before class.
Sadly the queasiness did not go away. Even sadder, it intensified. I was about to ralph the entire class; I couldn't do my shuangfeijiaos to save my life. And when Han told us to do handstand somersaults, well it simply wasn't my happiest hour. At break I compounded the problem by drinking a ton of water, and I spent the rest of class trying to do my forms as gently as possible so as not to get sick all over the carpet. It's almost midnight and my stomach is still not quite right.
After class some of the other folks said they too had felt really tired and/or queasy. So at least I wasn't alone though I think I looked a mess. I'm glad thought that it was something in the air and not the handstands. Because I just found out that it is something Sifu might actually make us do during testing. So I have to keep wailing at it for the next few classes until I can stop choking, and I sure was hoping it didn't mean I would be this nauseated for the next three days.
You see a ghost? Make ghost soup! Today's special quadriplegic noodle.
ReplyDeleteLove the fear, the failure, the sickness and love yourself. They only last a moment.
Keep smiling :)
Instead of visualizing quadriplegia and failure, try visualizing yourself completing a handstand somersault and the accompanying sense of happiness and joy. Your body is slow to respond because your mind has already been poisoned with doubts.
ReplyDeleteDon't fight the fear. Be aware of it and embrace it.
It is fun, Cheng, watching you cycle through your fears, your progress, and inevitable victory. You give form to each obstacle through your potent thoughts and writing, but simultaneously dismantle them when you lift the veil. Since you already know this, all that's left for me to say is, you are a Great Squasher of Obstacles, and I heart you.
ReplyDeleteCheung... maybe you can have someone hold up your legs while you tuck your chin into a foward roll. Doing it once may overcome your fear. :) But hey I have some fear of the handstand roll as well!
ReplyDelete