This Is Why I Train

It changed over the year. At the beginning, it was to stop thinking - for at least two hours during class. I was obsessed with my doomed relationship and self-pity. I was on a verge of depression. I learned to be present and mindful of things around me rather than just stayed in my own head.

And then I got over it.

I opened up and got to know more people at the temple. I realized I did not have to pretend to be accepted and liked. I could have friends I liked and liked me back for who I was in New York City! At the time, I trained because I was lonely. I wanted to make friends. I learned to open up and be comfortable with myself.

And then I started liking myself. I didn't need to be around people to not be lonely anymore.

Then it's because of Kungfu. I kept training because I wanted to be good. I wanted to kiss my toes and do all kinds of cool things other people can do. I liked learning and pushing my body to do things I never imagined doing. I remember the first time I did Ceshoufan. I had a surgery on the left shoulder not more than a year prior. I was mortified. But I did it. I liked the rush I had after the class - the feeling of accomplishing something difficult. I learned to be humble and confident at the same time.

And then that stopped too. I have been training only in Level 1 with the same routines over and over. I hardly do anything new anymore. I learned to find ways to improve what I know. I keep telling myself I can always learn - not a new move or a new form - but about myself. But that sometime wavers.

I still keep training at least 3 times a week. And I ask myself - why? What do I like so much about being there that even crumbling knees cannot stop me?

I think it's the positive energy - the chi. It's infectious. It makes me a positive and happy person. Maybe I do believe that through training I will one day understand myself. Or maybe I'm just addicted to pain.

Why do you train?

Negation

When N'ou walked in tonight, I felt a burst of excitement; it's been awhile since I've been in a class he taught, and I missed having his style in the mix. Sadly, pretty early on in class I managed to tweak/pull/or otherwise distress something in my left quad and I felt gimpy and debilitated the rest of class. Still, I soldiered on and tried not to be too melodramatic in my sighs of anguish/pain. Probably it's another sign of my atrophy over the latest period in the kung fu saga and I deserve this pain.

It's frustrating because, mentally, my chi has returned. Today I was back to training even though I'm working at staving off a bronchial infection. Slightly sick training wasn't unusual in former times, but the last few weeks (okay months) I latched onto any bogus reason not to show up to class. However, since I felt my haphazard training contributed largely to my prior illnesses, I knew I needed to show up tonight.

Still (to digress) sick three times in 1 1/2 months?! It's totally unprecedented. I usually get one cold a season. Never the flu really, and rarely to I get fevers or any other dramatic symptoms. But since coming to NY I have gotten sick very often. Some was adjusting to a new climate, new allergens, even new water. And some is moving to a city that's much more congested, spending time cramped in on public transportation, and lots of dirt floating in the air. But darn it, I'm from hardy country stock and I'm supposed to be robust and healthy, not hacking like an old lady all the time. Now with my leg gimped out I feel like some caricature of a grandma hobbling and coughing around the city.

Probably it will feel better in the morning, but I will still give it the night off tomorrow. And maybe it's greedy to want to train and not be sore. You can't have everything in life I suppose. I made it through without having to stop, and I didn't get sick from the slight nausea. It's all in my head, I always make it through class. So maybe that's the lesson all of this ties in to: who teaches, the pain of an injury, hangover, sickness, a long absence, none of it has yet caused me to pass out, throw up, break some body part, or give up before the class finished. And if I've gone this long without giving up, there should never be an instance where I'll have to. So no more thoughts of "God, I'll never make it through tonight." I always do. Those thoughts are a waste of chi that could be directed, as now, to rebuilding my quad as it rests under the heating pad.

Pain in the Back

I’m the first to admit, I’m of a melodramatic nature. The refrain of my childhood was my mother saying, “Stop being so dramatic.” So when I reach some physical or mental barrier in kung fu I really do try to reign in the grimaces and groans and involuntary gesticulations of frustration, pain and exhaustion. Everyone is tired. Everyone has pain. Everyone makes mistakes.

This is what my intellect is telling me. But my emotional reactions are, as I said, involuntary, and so controlling them can be difficult. Half of the time I don’t even realize that I am doing X melodramatic thing. Still, I don’t want to look like I am trying to prove something or enlist sympathy through my expostulating, so I am trying to learn to identify and control it. I don’t want to be making excuses even if they are subconscious scowls of pain.

That being said, where’s the line from mind over matter, and when is it ok to say, “I’m hurt.”? Saturday and then last night, Xu and the Sifu both asked me if I was all right. Going to show that however much I might try, my lower back pain has reached the un-hide-able point. I don’t want to be macho and deny that I am in pain. But I don’t want to be a pansy about making excuses. My penchant for melodrama can easily lead into whining and self-indulgence. My back hurts. But it isn’t so severe I shouldn’t be able to train. And if I make the choice to train then I should train. I shouldn’t be half-assing it.

There’s always going to be something bothering me; that’s part of the cycle of building muscles and flexibility. If I’m soreness and pain free I probably haven’t been training very hard. If I am unable to push through my aches without drawing attention to myself, then I need to acknowledge the weakness in my mind or body.

Sometimes I expect too much of myself. But I can’t stand knowing that I could have trained harder but I was being lazy or scared or weak-willed. Or melodramatic. Last night, the pain was not hindering me so much as a mental incapability of pushing through. I got really frustrated and trained worse than my two week back saga warranted. And that got me more frustrated and I was really struggling just to focus on the task at hand. And when a clock is mental and not physical, that makes me feel even more frustrated because the only thing tripping me up is me. Notice the recurrence of “frustration.” It took all my energy to control the melodramatic outburst that was violently bubbling under the surface. I don’t WANT to be irrational. And I recognize when I’m doing it and still can’t seem to flatten my heart.

Tonight I am skipping training to go get acupuncture which I am hoping will benefit both my physical pain and my mental build up. Because more than pain, I am tired of psychoanalyzing myself; I just want to train.

The Savage Lotus

It's been awhile since my last blog post. I've been really busy with film making this summer. Writing, directing, and shooting. One of the reasons I joined the Shaolin Temple 15 months ago was that I would get some martial arts experience under my belt for acting. Little did I know, I would also love being behind the camera directing and choreographing my fellow kung fu actors as well. Here's the 72 hour project I've told so many of you about. You basically write, direct, and put together a 5 minute short in the span of 3 days. You don't sleep the whole time and you get a film out of it. I still haven't recovered from it. And that was in June!

Our film was disqualified from the competition because a random person not on our team looked towards the camera at the end of the film. It was a huge blow to the whole team's psyche at first, but after realizing how much fun we had while shooting, we realized this is only the beginning. I will make plenty more. And I can't wait!

So without further ado, here it is! Please enjoy! Oh and our very own Heng Ying (Hwalan) plays a character in it. :D

Times are Changin'

Training on Sunday was weird and wild. We started class 10 minutes late. (I can't remember the last time we started class that late) There were only 14 of us and I was the most senior person on the roster. In fact, I was the only person that was there from Level 2. I remember starting my training at the temple not so long ago and looking up to the Level 2's for technique and chi. And one of the newer people (I'm so embarrassed. I don't even know his name) pointed out to me that I am that person now. Not only was class small, there were also a group of Chinese people observing class. I don't know about you, but for me, any chance to perform in front of a group pumps up my chi. :P

I have to say, I was flying down the line. The newer level ones were definitely not used to being so near the front of the line. They weren't even quite sure what move was next. Should I have slowed down more and given them more of a chance to catch up? I am not sure. The person leading needs to set the pace and tone. It's also up to them to set the chi. Every time I went down the line, I could hear the Chinese group point and whisper, "Oh, that is this move, and this is that move."

Maybe Shifu heard it too because he was really paying very close attention to everyone's form and technique. Most people didn't make it out of the first half of the class before being sent to KFK (Kung Fu Kindergarten). Shifu had us do the first form at least 10 times. That's including all the times he told us to start over from the beginning. By the end of the first half, only me, Livia, and Julian were left.

Second half of class? Well, let's just say we got our own little piece of carpet and stayed on it for the rest of the class. It was really fun to push myself. But, in my unsettled heart, I wanted to start teaching. I wanted Shifu to call me over and say, "Leo, teach them Caijiao!" Now, I know Shifu picks people to teach for a reason and he hasn't picked me yet. It's probably because he feels I need to work on my forms and technique much more before I'm ready. Every time I'm in Level 2, I feel like my technique is one of the worst. I would say to myself, "How is it possible that I can't do this one kick that I've been doing for over a year?! What's wrong with me? Am I just not cut out for Shaolin material?" Then I realize that as with everything, caijiao is a kick we could work on forever because we could keep on polishing ourselves forever. It never ends. We could always use more pop and extension in our lives. I know Shifu wants to teach me this. And I feel that I still haven't learned it yet...but times are definitely changin'...

Senioritis?

On Tuesday night a Chinese TV station came to film class. Not the first time I’ve been in a class with cameras, but the first time Sifu asked me to let them interview me. I’m not super comfortable being on camera, and especially not 30 minutes into a very sweaty class, but it turned out ok. The interviewer asked me how long I had been training, and when I told her she said, “Two years? That’s a long time!” And I had to wonder, is it?

I don’t feel like I am a senior student, and I’m definitely not when you look at those folks who’ve been around 5, 10 and more years. At the same time, though, on Tuesday, Jing was the only one in that bracket. After him, Sucheela and I were the most “advanced” on the folks training, and consequently I ended up running KFK while Sifu talked to the TV people. While I felt totally un-qualified to do so, someone needed to go keep things running in the back (I just didn’t want the the back line to be abandoned on TV), and so in effect, I was qualified, if only by default. Thankfully Jing came and helped, and it went smoothly; and I think Sifu was glad we stepped up. Still, I still felt slightly hubristic taking that initiative, do I subconsciously have a case of Senioritis? Not in the sense of being lazy, but of thinking too much of myself?

Anyone worried that I was acting on ego can rest assured that I wasn't, and if I had, my ego was suitably demolished in L2 last night where my xuanzi seems to be getting worse again. Yet, I was still somehow leading the line. I think it all stems from the fact that I want to step forward before Sifu has to tell me to do so.

In L1 Tuesday Sucheela took the initiative to start us all on waibaitui; I went to help out KFK; some people always jump to the front of the line as soon as Sifu says “line up”. It all comes, not from a ego-driven desire to lead, but a desire to anticipate a need for action. Because that’s what we’re learning in kung fu: to train our bodies and minds to react faster and faster. To not stand around waiting until Sifu yells “GO” at you three times, but going straight into your movement or form. To do everything with chi and enthusiasm. So I guess I do have Senioritis in the sense that, the longer I train, the more I learn this lesson.

Know Yourself (& What You Eat)

A recent visit to my doctor for my yearly physical revealed I had put on some weight. *Gasp!* My guess is that while I was unable to train at full-steam due to my knee injury, I still ate as though I was training 3 or 4 times a week. And now that I'm training again pretty steadily, I am gaining back the muscle mass that I lost during that period, and while muscle weighs more than fat, I still have quite a bit of flab to lose.

So I decided to make losing weight one of my goals before the next testing in October. I figure it'll lessen the load on my decrepit knees, and hopefully allow me to run and jump better, which will only serve me well once I get into Level 2.

Mind you, I've never done the diet thing. And, yes, diet might be a dirty word, but I think we all could benefit from eating more fruits and vegetables, and less barbecue and White Castle (but not cupcakes). As recommended by Cheng, I started a food log this week to keep track of what exactly I do consume. I don't imagine I'll do it for too long, but I do want a better idea of whether I'm getting the proper balance of carbs, proteins, fats and fiber. And to make myself more accountable, I decided to document my progress on a separate blog. Already in just the two days of charting my food intake, I have learned how to make better food choices and have done some reading on nutrition.

I invite you to check out my newest blog, and please give me any tips you might have. Like I said, I have never done this sort of thing before and would undoubtedly benefit from the wealth of knowledge the dorks could share. It won't be the most exciting blog, but maybe we can all learn to be more aware of what we eat. Amituofo!

Master Yourself

Today before class I helped Heng Ji rehang the Temple flag. It was definitely an acute training in patience and perseverance but we finally got it up, and Sifu even held the start of class. We ended up finishing class early as well because Sifu's younger brother was here from China, so it was time to celebrate! So training came out to about an hour and 25 minutes. That's basically the length of a daytime class, but combined with the facts that I hadn't trained two days in a row or L1 in almost two weeks, it was definitely a different feel psychologically and thus affected how "tired" I felt. Bad Cheng.

I try really assiduously not to let external things affect how I train: the length of class, who is there, who teaches, the weather, what happened at work, how much I slept, none of it matters in the end. You go in, you find the chi from yourself, and train as hard as you can. But on the way home with Shi, we were talking about how to polish your movements and I had a mini-revelation.

Here's the thing. Training isn't necessarily about finding the chi within; it's about mastering yourself even when you can't find it and training anyway. I have a hard time teaching, I still stumble and mutter, over-explain, and try to inexpertly reiterate all the nifty lessons given to me, but there is one original thought I had that I offered a student the other day and I was pretty proud: It's your leg. That was it.

I was teaching cetitui and I told them, "Don't let your leg swing and pull you over. It's your leg; you control it; make it do what you tell it." They kind of looked at me askance because with being tired at the end of class that sounded like a tall order. But then, amazingly, it worked. Because no matter what is going on, even at the end of an exhausting class when you think you can't move your leg - you can. So you should definitely always be able to get going at the beginning. Mastering myself is something Sifu says a lot that I really try hard to apply both in and out of temple; I really needed the reminder tonight.

A Thin Line Between Confident and Cocky?

I tell ya, nothing like a day in training to remind ya to check your ego in at the door before you enter Temple!

So, all week long, I've been basking in my post-testing glow, really focusing on good vibes from others and within. I kept thinking, yeah, I did do pretty well at erluquan at testing, I'm gonna make to Level 2, yeahhh.... On Tuesday, before class, Shen asked me how testing went and I told him pretty good, so he asked if I wanted to buy an orange uniform right then and there. I laughed off his suggestion and told him my balls were not as big as his, but our conversation got me thinking -- is it possible to know for sure where one really stands?

And then during Tuesday's class, I ran out of gas during the last 40 minutes or so, perhaps due to my procrastination in doing and then filing my income tax returns at the last minute, so that worried me a bit. I thought for half a second, am I too wimpy for Level 2? But I shrugged it off -- won't happen again. Yeahhhh...

Wednesday, in my apartment I rearranged on my wall the certificates for chujiquantao and yiluquan that I had thrown in cheapo frames a while ago and made room for a third frame....

Thursday, I went through most of the first half of class feeling gross as a result of some spicy grilled chicken and hummus I had consumed for lunch. Here I was, over two years into training, and hadn't I learned anything about foods to avoid before a class? Argh!

But what really threw me? During lihetui, Shifu yelled at everyone to stop skipping between kicks, and then he saw me, and Blammo! Q. gets sent to kung fu kindergarden! Oh noooooooo! No, no, no!!!! To my recollection, I hadn't been sent to KFK by Shifu since last August, when I had a really horrible class. He grumbled something at me to the effect of you've been training so many years and you still skip?! Unlike the prior times I was sent to KFK, this time I felt no trace of anger. I knew I blew it. Skipping between kicks is something I've struggled with forever. I felt sad and ashamed. Here I was, on the cusp of joining the Level 2 club, or so I thought, and failed in the most basic of ways. *Sigh!*

So for the second half of class, I went through KFK basics, ever so mindful of Shifu's eyes watching me. I felt like it was testing all over again! And thank god, I didn't screw anything up again to the point where I'd need a remedial tutorial. By the time the KFK group for the evening had dwindled down to just me and two other guys, Shifu had us do forms for him. First guy went and got some fine tuning for his chujiquantao. Then it was my turn. And I swear, I felt more nervous doing 1st form this time than during actual testing, maybe because I was painfully more aware of Shifu's scrutiny. Testing was a blur, but all I could think about now was, Man, he's probably re-evaluating more whether Qbertplaya is Level 2 material. We cycled through and then it was time for yiluquan. First guy didn't know it, so then Shifu looked at me, and I went, heart-pounding, doing each gong bu and mabu as low as possible, throwing each punch as though my life depended on it. When I finished, I heard him do an abbreviated, somewhat approving, Hm. (I think.)

So last night I tossed and turned a little over this. Is Level 2 gonna happen for me? Damn. I thought I was over this mind-torture. Gahhhhh....well, I guess I'll know in about 49 hours from now, won't I...tick...tick...tick....

La-z-girl

Last night, sometime during erqijiao, I thought, "Well this isn't as bad as I always dread it being. And if you have to teach the second part of class, then really the most tiring part is over."

I did indeed get asked to teach the second part of class. This time it was tsabu. I love each time I teach something new because I invariably learn some new mechanic from Sifu that I either forgot or never knew in the first place. However, when I woke up this morning without any aches or pains (I'm not complaining mind you!), I wondered if I am getting stronger or if I am benefiting from the 40 odd minutes of teaching that have replaced the end of my Level 1 classes. Again, I'm thrilled not to be doctoring aching crying muscles and joints, but it makes me worry that my revelation during erqijiao was actually a revelation of my not training as hard.

I realized early on that by bringing in a new generation of teachers, Sifu is also giving the older students a break from teaching and allowing them to have time back that training time that you lose. I love teaching (and learning) but I've realized that if I want to keep progressing, I can't settle into thoughts like "well once class is half over I'll just be teaching and all the working out will be over." If anything, that means I need to take that precious first hour and train even harder, and not think about saving anything for later, since later I'll be training teaching-style. I don't resent using that time to teach, as I said, I love that it allows me to refresh on things myself, but that means every moment that I'm going down the line is doubly important and I should take full advantage of it instead of anticipating its end.

Training is my Anti-Anti Drug

Lately classes have seemed more intense. Perhaps it is the disappearance of the walking breaks instituted during summer's debilitating heat, the smaller class sizes of late, or -most likely- I'm training more than ever and am consequently more tired and sore when going to class.

Being insufficiently rested has resulted in a number of consequences, the two most prominent being the rising importance of coffee and pain relievers in my life.

I've always been in a constant battle with coffee, I love it but I don't like the accompanying highs and lows depending of my caffination. I don't like the gurgling stomach I get if I have it before training, but I like not feeling like curling up to sleep in the meditation room.

Pain relievers are a little different. I think I've mentioned before that I like to avoid taking medicine if I can. Serious illness and injury are one thing but otherwise I like my body to take care of itself. But near-perpetual soreness and semi-injury are testing my resolve on this point.

I don't want to feel dependent on coffee or Advil to provide me with energy or cure my aches and pains. I want to know my body well enough to push it harder but not too hard, because I know that will make me stronger in the end than relying of a caffeine fix to give me faux-chi or anti-inflammatories to make me feel less stiff and more flexible. I don't want to be an addict!!!!! So how to solve this? I already get more sleep than most people I know. My job is low impact. Do I really just need to train less? Because after a downright excruciatingly painful set of kicks last night I need to reassess what I'm doing. Or maybe I need to crush my pride or whatever is holding me back and embrace the drugs......

Training mini marathon

I'm taking the day off. My ass hurts. My back hurts. My hips, hamstrings, quads, knees, ankles, shins, feet, and calves hurt. Basically my everything hurts. Yesterday was my 7th day of training in a row. I was determined to get a whole week done, even though really it's as arbitrary a number as any. But I wanted to say I had done it, even if it meant it would hurt. I just wanted to train hard as I could. I always said I wished I could train every day and now is my opportunity. It was sort of like an extended version of class and far as the mental and physical pushing of myself. And it definitely helped reveal things to me about why and how I train.

I spent a large part of the week getting to class early and working on my left handed ceshoufans for a new move I learned in Level 2. As we all know it is not my strong side. I spent over an hour in L2 on Friday doing cartwheels over and over and over again and still not getting it. I know what to do; I know not to be scared; but my body is just retarded and won't obey me. I really started to get angry at one point. It's so frustrating to not be able to do something so basic even after spending half the class doing nothing else. I tried to focus my anger into chi but I just got worse.

I am terrible about getting really angry at myself when I mess something up. In kung fu this hasn't been as bad because the mental training has helped me mature beyond internal tantrums, (mostly), but there were several times this week when I was learning something new, or even going back to something I already know when I just got so frustrated I wanted to hit something. It was somewhere around my 500th ceshoufan that I realized that this anger was actually holding me back. I couldn't "use" that anger to train better because I was just going into the whole thing with the wrong attitude. It was weighing me down. After all, I didn't decide to train every day because I wanted to be angry at myself for not being perfect at things. I trained because it's fun to work at getting better. I guess this is a fairly straightforward revelation, but I had always operated under the understanding that you could focus anger or frustration as energy in what you were doing. But for me at least, I realized it was just making me worse, and that what I actually had to do was let it go entirely.

Once I started to focus on having fun and being happy that I was learning I already felt lighter. My ceshoufans improved dramatically in how they felt and even some in how they look. :) Of course, I got to the point (today that is) where what I really needed to make things better is a little rest. But it was good to remember that training harder does not mean you have to take yourself too seriously. However, I seriously am enjoying resting my legs. :)

The (Over)Thinker

Last night, according to Qbertplaya, I developed the infamous Shaolin Butt Sword. I don't know about that, it's not near by butt, but down in my inner and lower hamstring. But the symptoms she says are identical. It all started with my first Level 2 class and a strain on my hamstring from lots of pubu chuanzangs. It's been there but sort of gradually losing intensity over the past week. Last night, it was not being my friend, but I was still trucking through it when during a yangshen yunshou my leg just totally freaked out on me, sort of seizing up and yet over stretching at the same time. I must learn to pivot!!! In the meantime I almost crashed to the floor, but managed to limp back into line wondering if I should take a moment off to assess the damage. Coupled with some serious shinsplints (a result of trying to correct both my take-off and landing in jumps, consequently I haven't yet managed to successfully do both at the same time) I felt a little as though continuing might be taking "training harder" a step too far.


Which leads to my thought for today: Is there such a thing as training too hard? We know that pushing yourself into an injury is bad, but sometimes I worry I'm just mentally giving in to a pain I'm having. Last night I did keep going in spite of all my bodily objections, and except for avoiding right sided pubus, and wincing a bit during right sided kicks, I managed fine. Is this good or bad? I'm an over-thinker. I know that. I waste more energy thinking about something than just doing it. When I start class I try to get that out of my head, but generally my brain still runs a mile a minute impeding my ability to "just do it." How do you switch that off? And if you do, is that bad because you won't stop to consider pausing for an injury? Here I am again, thinking about it too much instead of just icing my leg and moving forward. If I stopped thinking I bet I could fix my jumps easier too. I know this all comes down to knowing your body and kung fu being action meditation where you're supposed to clear your mind, but I wish I had a switch to just turn my brain off and relax. Actually while we're wishing for things I wish I had a switch to turn off the ache in my Shaolin Lower-inner-hamstring Sword. Actually, while we're wishing for things..... did I mention I think too much?

As I lay me down to sleep...

I've been thinking a lot the past few days about why I train. As this blog has established, training makes me very happy. Usually, I'm not one to question happiness, I'll take what I get, but it's curious that something that can hurt so much, that can be so challenging and exhausting keeps bringing me back. I love everyone at temple, of course, but what it really comes down to is how I feel during class and how it makes me feel outside of the temple. There's the obvious: I feel in shape, I feel strong, I can eat all the cupcakes I want without (too much) guilt. While I'm in class what I feel is hot and tired. But those things are all the surface aspects of training. What makes me happy are the things training churns around underneath. All the things we're asked to do, train harder, be honest, push yourself, and so forth, have done a lot to get me to understand myself better, and though in class I am panting and dreaming of lemonade, underneath I'm thinking about challenging and mastering myself and so forth, and that has turned out to help me in and out of temple.

I know it's different for everyone, but to me, training is about seeing yourself very clearly; you're forced to be honest, whether learning something surprising about yourself or seeing things you already knew but can't always admit. In my case it's knowing when I'm cutting corners, knowing when I am focusing on the wrong goals, being too competitive, being unfocused, and being impatient. But also understanding when I'm happy and what things actually matter to me. I focus on those things as I train, and now I'm better able to identify them in my daily life as well. It's not about "finding yourself" in the after-school-special sense. It's taking the self you have and, as Niederwelt has said, clearing away all the b.s. and understanding what you've got left. I know that's not a new concept or anything, just tonight I guess it really struck me, with testing coming up, and me trying to focus on all the little problems in all my moves and forms, and consequently doing so at work and at home. Coming to the realization that, while you don't always learn the things you expect or want to know, you end up learning the things you need to know. So for now, I guess that's why I train and why I keep coming back for more. That and the cupcakes...

Return of the Wandering Shaolins

After spending the weekend delving into the secrets of the fabled sand training technique, the group of us came home once more. It was nice to be back on the carpet again. I am trying to get in as much chi-tastic training as I can because I have work and parental visits coming up that keep me from training the four times a week I've been enjoying. But yesterday my extra chi resulted in extra water guzzling. Which, on top of a very empty and hungry stomach, led to a not so chi-full second half of class.

Where is that self discipline I go on about? Practically every class, by the end, I am groaning about having drunk too much water. But when your mouth is so parched you feel like the Sahara Desert has moved in, how do you resist? But how can I expect to master myself in Shaolin if I can't even learn from repeated mistakes in not mastering my water bottle? I didn't used to even drink a whole bottle. Now sometimes I refill it twice AND drink from the sink. Madness!

Yesterday I was finding all kinds of new shortcuts and sloppiness that have crept into my training that I never realized. My caijiaos are so uncontrolled I am losing balance on every kick. I think also I'm taking too large a step. On waibaitui/zhengtitui/lihetui I've started taking a step between kicks, something I never used to do. There's lots of foot dragging happening in gongbu, my mabu stances are getting super lazy, and I'm not going as far down the carpet as I once did on lots of the basics. What happened?!!!

Here are the remedies I have come up with thus far. 1. Hydrate even more during the day (I already do, but more can't hurt). 2. Make sure I eat enough during the day so that I'm not lightheaded and starving or, conversely, in pain from eating right before class. 3. SLOW DOWN. Chi is good. Sloppiness is bad. 4. One bottle of water max during class.

If I ever want to make Level 2, I need to break bad habits now. Plus my mom is coming next week and I want her to see me doing my best! Hopefully, I can always catch mistakes before they get out of hand.

And Happy Birthday Mo!

"Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in."

So sleepy on Sunday. It's not the first night out late that gets you; it's the second. The thing is, even when I go to bed at 3 or 4am, I still wake up at 7:30 out of habit from work. So by Sunday morning I was not at all well-rested. That, combined with this stupid pseudo-cold that I can't shake, meant that I spent most of basics seriously contemplating how I could get down the carpet with my eyes shut. Very bad chi.... By the end of class my legs were frozen. I was trying to work on the sweep but I could barely get myself into gongbu to begin it. I'm glad I went to class if only to teach myself about responsibility and the repercussions of not getting enough sleep. I am not so talented as Heng Ji whose forms seem to get better the less sleep she gets. I think she had a total of 5 hours of sleep from Friday to Sunday. What a champ. Unfortunately, instead of my sweep being better from my tiredness, I ended up catching myself on the last one with only my thumb, bending it all the way back to my hand. Swore like a sailor right in front of Heng Xu. My thumb is a little swollen and throbbing unpleasantly today. I am going to bed at 8 o clock tonight........

RE: Sweat

I trained yesterday! The first time after more than a month!

There were fright, tightness, sore, being out of breath, blah, blah... the whole deal. Oh, also a warm welcome back.

One thing new I noticed: my sweat was more smelly than usual!

How could this be?!!!?!

Have I become dirty and smelly? Was it because I just came back from a tropical weather? Did I get old and smelly in a period of one month?

I refuse the above thoughts and my genius mind came up with new answer...

I didn't exercise and sweat vigorously for a while. Dirt, hair, dead skin cells, food, etc. built up on my body (ewww). Although I soaped and bathed myself occasionally, my pores are not cleaned. Therefore, my sweat from my first training running through these pores became more smelly. QED.

Sleeping Style Saturday

So today was interesting; Sifu had us run. I've never done that before. But during tenkong fanyao I guess we weren't getting out of the way fast enough, so he made us run around the temple a couple of times. Then we did tengkong fanyao, still weren't running out of the way at the end, and ran around the temple several more times. I guess some of us just didn't get it, because we repeated this at least four times. Tengkong fanyao: "get out of the way faster!" Then: "Run!" Finally we were moving at a speed he liked and got to move on to yangshen yunshou... (if one considers that a reward. If you're like me, that's the one you always kind of hope he'll forget about..... ) It was a good reminder to get the heck out of the way once you finish a movement. Sometimes you don't make it all the way to the end of the carpet (more chi!) but no matter where you stop, you need to hurry to get back in line.

Stretching today, Heng De was looking for some help with his straddle. I was reluctant because last night at dinner Branden had mentioned that De needs really strong people pulling his legs and then he can stretch a lot farther. That's not me. Between the sweaty grip and the tired arms I was pretty ineffectual. So on the second round I traded with Leo who was stretching with a different group so that De could have strong dudes pulling him into his stretch. I looked like he got a lot further; I should have just done that in the first place. Meanwhile I went and stretched with Chan, Esther (yay she's back), and the other Hannah. And I had another training first. I was getting down there pretty easy, trying to relax, and my hip cracked and felt like it just popped out. And not in a very comfortable way. I sort of torque-d it back in and tried again with a slightly different posture but it happened again. I don't know if it was a tendon popping around or what, but I decided that was enough, even though Chan said it was probably a good thing that stuff is popping around. I am getting much more interested in my flexibility, or lack thereof, rather than my power. If I want to get my pubus lower I might have to just give in to the popping on all my stretches.

Holy-xuanzi, Batman!

Last night walking from Thai Son to the subway, Heng De mentioned to Richu the fact that he (Richu) was always swearing under his breath during training. I can vouch for this as I am often behind him in line and I frequently hear a murmured curse word at the end of a basic. The funny thing was that he didn't even know that he was doing it; it's just a subconscious ejaculation from exerting himself. I think that one of the temple rules is no swearing, I'm not sure, but either way we all agreed that, though unintentional, it was probably not the most chi-positive tendency. With several younger siblings, and a penchant for swearing like a @#%$-ing sailor, I am well acquainted with the difficult task of quitting the cursing. So Richu's new charge is to say the names of moves in the place of profanity to break the habit. I think 'xuanzi' is a good one myself. And Richu said he'll pay you a dollar if you ever hear him swear in class again.

This made me wonder, how many other things do we do when training that we aren't aware of? I try to be aware of my body; I have lots of superfluous physical ticks I am trying to lose, running my hands through my hair or rubbing my eyes , stretching my neck etc. And I know we all unconsciously make some pretty funny faces when we train. But as far as vocalizations, sighs, groans, cursing, I really have no idea. I think mostly this is harmless stuff that doesn't matter one way or another. But I am going to start paying more attention to what I'm saying during class and make sure that there aren't too many discontented moans and definitely no swearing as I go down the line. So many things to think about! Who knew?

Breakfast es muy importante!

I have found that what I eat before a weekend class can really affect how I perform in that class. No later than ninety minutes before class starts, I usually will have something along the lines of a mashed up banana with some granola, some raisins, and then a smattering of skim milk or lowfat yoghurt to moisten the mixture. It is a concoction of dense carbohydrates that provides me with enough fuel to last through the two hours of training, albeit with a bit of stomach growling probably triggered by the smells of food emanating from the street below.

Yesterday before class, I did not plan so well. The bananas I had purchased on Friday still had a greenish tinge, and the mere thought of having to crunch a bowl of only granola made my jaw ache. Instead, I settled upon my leftovers from lunch the prior day. Maybe it was cos I was still in a sleepy haze, but somehow I decided half an iced coffee with half of a vegetarian sandwich (portabella mushroom, spinach, tomato and a sliver of fresh mozzarella) would be perfectly fine for breakfast.

Not the most brilliant of plans. During basics, I felt wobbly and dizzy, and seemed to be sweating profusely -- even more than I usually do cos of training. I took myself out during a few of the moves and still could not cool down, and my wooziness got worse. I fell over at the end of chujiquantao. I stretched on the wood near the windows, and still felt like crap. Weird.

So we resumed basics with waibaitui, and after I got through two trips down the carpet and started feeling disoriented, I took myself out of the line, and told Shifu I needed to go get some sugar. I grabbed some money, went downstairs and bought a bottle of Coke -- not my usual Diet Coke, but regular -- and guzzled half of it down. When I got back to Temple, the class began forms practice, and I started feeling human again. I didn't feel 100%, but I felt a lot better with that added jolt of sugar in my system and was able to practice forms for a while.

I concluded that I must have burned through the few carbs in that half of a sandwich awfully quickly, and became hypoglycemic (aka had a low blood sugar level) as a result. I must remember to eat better before class, especially when it's the first meal of the day, and I probably ought to keep some kind of quick sugar fix in my bag, like some kind of packet to mix into my water and/or some hard candy or whatever. Anybody have any tips?