FIRE!!!

I've been thinking a lot about how every time I tell Shifu about an injury he just says "no problem. train harder." I know that we are supposed to work through the pain, accept it and use it to make us stronger but most times it still distracts me.

I'm still dealing with my shin splints. They're getting better by the day but there are definitely days where I don't warm up enough and they really hurt. It's the kind of pain that seeps into my subconscious and affects my confidence. The other day I got sick of the pain holding me back. I was so frustrated I felt on fire! It was my turn to do Xuan Feng Jiao. I took a deep breath took my strides and launched! I have no idea how well I did the kick but I felt on FIRE!! I could feel my Dan Tian pulsating! I had energy in every part of my body! I was relaxed but had an incredible desire to move! My turn came again and again and again. I didn't want to stop. Then we stopped jumping and moved onto the next move. At that moment I realized that my shins didn't hurt anymore. Shifu was right!! I trust Shifu's advice implicitly but I don't usually understand it until much later. In the immortal words in Rick Moranis in Spaceballs "when will then be now!?", I wish I got his lessons a bit faster. Now when Shifu yells "FIRE" at us I'll let loose the nitros and CaiJiao until I puke!

This Is Why I Train

It changed over the year. At the beginning, it was to stop thinking - for at least two hours during class. I was obsessed with my doomed relationship and self-pity. I was on a verge of depression. I learned to be present and mindful of things around me rather than just stayed in my own head.

And then I got over it.

I opened up and got to know more people at the temple. I realized I did not have to pretend to be accepted and liked. I could have friends I liked and liked me back for who I was in New York City! At the time, I trained because I was lonely. I wanted to make friends. I learned to open up and be comfortable with myself.

And then I started liking myself. I didn't need to be around people to not be lonely anymore.

Then it's because of Kungfu. I kept training because I wanted to be good. I wanted to kiss my toes and do all kinds of cool things other people can do. I liked learning and pushing my body to do things I never imagined doing. I remember the first time I did Ceshoufan. I had a surgery on the left shoulder not more than a year prior. I was mortified. But I did it. I liked the rush I had after the class - the feeling of accomplishing something difficult. I learned to be humble and confident at the same time.

And then that stopped too. I have been training only in Level 1 with the same routines over and over. I hardly do anything new anymore. I learned to find ways to improve what I know. I keep telling myself I can always learn - not a new move or a new form - but about myself. But that sometime wavers.

I still keep training at least 3 times a week. And I ask myself - why? What do I like so much about being there that even crumbling knees cannot stop me?

I think it's the positive energy - the chi. It's infectious. It makes me a positive and happy person. Maybe I do believe that through training I will one day understand myself. Or maybe I'm just addicted to pain.

Why do you train?

Whaaaaaa..!!!??!!

It was two minutes to seven and none of the regular teachers was at the temple. I was playing with the idea that maybe Shifu would teach us tonight or maybe Richu would teach and I would get to learn Tongbaiquan.

And then the clock pointed at 7. Shifu turned around and said "Sucheela - start the class."

And I went Whaaaaaa....!!!??!! Meeee...????

And then it's all a blur. I remember hearing Shifu saying random things. I also remember having the class did all the moves that I could think of and the clock only said 7:30pm. Good thing people like Richu and Cheng remembered all the basics and "whispered" them to me.

Anyway, the hour passed. We stretched, did a few more rounds of basics and then forms. I taught Ellen, Mike J, Lukas and Zang Tixi Pubu Loushou Gongbu Chongquan (which I thought I did best of all the level 2 basics), Zhiquan and Baiquan. On the other side of the columns, Shifu taught Cheng, Le, EZ, and Eric Tongbaiquan.

I am embarrassed to admit that I felt a pang of jealousy. I wanted to learn a new form too!!!

Then I realized I was learning something as well. Shifu didn't teach me the form but he taught me something else. He taught me about leading, about trusting and believing in myself. He showed me how wonderful training is from the other side of the line and how all of us can make training fun/challenging/exciting.

Huuggggeee thanks to everybody in the class tonight for being so supportive and chi-tastic!!

Senioritis?

On Tuesday night a Chinese TV station came to film class. Not the first time I’ve been in a class with cameras, but the first time Sifu asked me to let them interview me. I’m not super comfortable being on camera, and especially not 30 minutes into a very sweaty class, but it turned out ok. The interviewer asked me how long I had been training, and when I told her she said, “Two years? That’s a long time!” And I had to wonder, is it?

I don’t feel like I am a senior student, and I’m definitely not when you look at those folks who’ve been around 5, 10 and more years. At the same time, though, on Tuesday, Jing was the only one in that bracket. After him, Sucheela and I were the most “advanced” on the folks training, and consequently I ended up running KFK while Sifu talked to the TV people. While I felt totally un-qualified to do so, someone needed to go keep things running in the back (I just didn’t want the the back line to be abandoned on TV), and so in effect, I was qualified, if only by default. Thankfully Jing came and helped, and it went smoothly; and I think Sifu was glad we stepped up. Still, I still felt slightly hubristic taking that initiative, do I subconsciously have a case of Senioritis? Not in the sense of being lazy, but of thinking too much of myself?

Anyone worried that I was acting on ego can rest assured that I wasn't, and if I had, my ego was suitably demolished in L2 last night where my xuanzi seems to be getting worse again. Yet, I was still somehow leading the line. I think it all stems from the fact that I want to step forward before Sifu has to tell me to do so.

In L1 Tuesday Sucheela took the initiative to start us all on waibaitui; I went to help out KFK; some people always jump to the front of the line as soon as Sifu says “line up”. It all comes, not from a ego-driven desire to lead, but a desire to anticipate a need for action. Because that’s what we’re learning in kung fu: to train our bodies and minds to react faster and faster. To not stand around waiting until Sifu yells “GO” at you three times, but going straight into your movement or form. To do everything with chi and enthusiasm. So I guess I do have Senioritis in the sense that, the longer I train, the more I learn this lesson.

A Thin Line Between Confident and Cocky?

I tell ya, nothing like a day in training to remind ya to check your ego in at the door before you enter Temple!

So, all week long, I've been basking in my post-testing glow, really focusing on good vibes from others and within. I kept thinking, yeah, I did do pretty well at erluquan at testing, I'm gonna make to Level 2, yeahhh.... On Tuesday, before class, Shen asked me how testing went and I told him pretty good, so he asked if I wanted to buy an orange uniform right then and there. I laughed off his suggestion and told him my balls were not as big as his, but our conversation got me thinking -- is it possible to know for sure where one really stands?

And then during Tuesday's class, I ran out of gas during the last 40 minutes or so, perhaps due to my procrastination in doing and then filing my income tax returns at the last minute, so that worried me a bit. I thought for half a second, am I too wimpy for Level 2? But I shrugged it off -- won't happen again. Yeahhhh...

Wednesday, in my apartment I rearranged on my wall the certificates for chujiquantao and yiluquan that I had thrown in cheapo frames a while ago and made room for a third frame....

Thursday, I went through most of the first half of class feeling gross as a result of some spicy grilled chicken and hummus I had consumed for lunch. Here I was, over two years into training, and hadn't I learned anything about foods to avoid before a class? Argh!

But what really threw me? During lihetui, Shifu yelled at everyone to stop skipping between kicks, and then he saw me, and Blammo! Q. gets sent to kung fu kindergarden! Oh noooooooo! No, no, no!!!! To my recollection, I hadn't been sent to KFK by Shifu since last August, when I had a really horrible class. He grumbled something at me to the effect of you've been training so many years and you still skip?! Unlike the prior times I was sent to KFK, this time I felt no trace of anger. I knew I blew it. Skipping between kicks is something I've struggled with forever. I felt sad and ashamed. Here I was, on the cusp of joining the Level 2 club, or so I thought, and failed in the most basic of ways. *Sigh!*

So for the second half of class, I went through KFK basics, ever so mindful of Shifu's eyes watching me. I felt like it was testing all over again! And thank god, I didn't screw anything up again to the point where I'd need a remedial tutorial. By the time the KFK group for the evening had dwindled down to just me and two other guys, Shifu had us do forms for him. First guy went and got some fine tuning for his chujiquantao. Then it was my turn. And I swear, I felt more nervous doing 1st form this time than during actual testing, maybe because I was painfully more aware of Shifu's scrutiny. Testing was a blur, but all I could think about now was, Man, he's probably re-evaluating more whether Qbertplaya is Level 2 material. We cycled through and then it was time for yiluquan. First guy didn't know it, so then Shifu looked at me, and I went, heart-pounding, doing each gong bu and mabu as low as possible, throwing each punch as though my life depended on it. When I finished, I heard him do an abbreviated, somewhat approving, Hm. (I think.)

So last night I tossed and turned a little over this. Is Level 2 gonna happen for me? Damn. I thought I was over this mind-torture. Gahhhhh....well, I guess I'll know in about 49 hours from now, won't I...tick...tick...tick....

Twisting and Soaring through the Sky!

For the past year, I've had a nemesis. Its name was Téng Kōng Fān Yāo (騰空翻腰). I could never twist fast enough or jump without taking steps and therefore I would lose my momentum. I was halfway falling through the sky instead of soaring through it. I closely watched and studied Xu, Li, Zhou and Josh. They have really amazing and beautiful Téng Kōng Fān Yāo's. When they are soaring, it looked as if they were suspended in air on a puff of cloud. Then, gently, the clouds would part and set them down gracefully. Oh!! How it would pluck the strings of jealousy in my heart!! I know it takes time. I know the muscles need to be built. I know techniques need years of refinement. But, I wanted to SOAR!! I wanted to FLY!!!

Today, for the first time, I felt a glimpse of what Teng Kong Fan Yao is all about. Zhou led the line and had us do it over and over again non-stop. I twisted, I jumped, and I soared!! I popped into the sky and landed softly. The feeling is incredible. It's everything as I imagined it would be. The exhilaration!


The key is the step. It's all in that one step. To achieve the lift necessary to soar, you have to step quickly into the next jump to build up more and more momentum. That step is the epitome of everything we are learning at temple. That step takes courage, heart and confidence. If you lack in either of those, it's easy to falter. It's easy to fall. It's too easy not to believe in yourself.

"If you don't give your heart wings you'll NEVER never ever fly."
-Footloose

I hope today is the start of a new me. The start of flight!

Girl Power

I've always found it mildly irritating when girls come to train kung fu and they use the fact that they're female to sort of train halfway. You know the giggly, oh I'm embarrassed, sweat? what's that? kind of thing. I've never been a super girly girl, and always fairly sporty, so I never got that whole mentality. Of course we are all self conscious our first time out, but for some girls the silliness never goes away though the girls eventually do.

Last night, however, I felt like a dumb girl for the first time. L2 is like going back to those first days of L1 where everyone is intimidatingly better than you. But it's not quite the same because you do know a little bit, plus you know the people there and have a few newbies taking the ride the same time as you. My last class however, we were learning a strike, a pretty rudimentary straight punch, and I just couldn't seem to get it.

Training is a lot of kicking, and we don't do that many strikes in L1. Or if we do they're attached to a kick or stance. I was just very conscious of the fact that I did not know how to punch properly and I felt very conspicuous over in the back watching myself in the mirror. I felt, well, like a silly girl who's never punched someone unless you count the time I punched a boy on the playground when I was 12. Instead of giggling and giving up though, I got angry at myself for being so dumb and focused harder on our drill. I don't think I was looking like Muhammad Ali by the end there, but I think it definitely looked better than at the beginning.

So now I have a little more sympathy for the so called "silly girls" who feel lost when doing something new to them. And while kung fu has helped obliterate a lot of my painful self consciousness, I got a reminder that there is still plenty left to get over, but will get over if I just keep focusing on my goal. Plus, it's ok to be girly; we smell better.